We all make mistakes, we stumble and fall...usually we get back up and keep going. Sometimes we pause in the mud and dirt and take a strong look at how we got there. In an very few falls, and only one per person, they are terminal. So mistakes, stumbles and falls are strictly speaking not terminal. Yet, they have the impact of feeling like it, especially during those times where we have fallen hard enough that we cannot get right back up and the contemplation concerning how we got there has yet to begin.
I have made serious blunders socially because I lack the skill and concern required to be adept at manipulating people to achieve my ends. I just have ends that I work towards and I tend toward aggression or dismissiveness when those ends are thwarted or threatened. Which is often perceived as a juvenile response. I get that. I'm not here to manipulate people, I am here to communicate. Aggression and dismissiveness are extremely efficient ways of communicating. However, they often leave you alone in this world. So, they are immediately effective, not wholly effective. Like smashing the alarm clock for being loud, only to have to purchase a new one before the day's end to ensure one wakes the next time.
When I find myself in the midst of these social blunders I realize that I have no one to blame but myself. Well, I sometimes impotently point my finger for some length of time until I tire of pointing, tire of saying the same words over and over again. Then I submit to the truth that I am at fault for the falling, stumbling pile of me.
When I realize this one of the first and longest lasting things that happens is I see my value as I internally defined greatly reduced. Which means I perceive others to do the same. I become a series of derogatory words. I no longer exist as a human being with value and desires. I become the "thing"... there are many words, varying by the rage and consistency of character, that are applied to me... To be honest I am more than likely applying the least favor.
Beyond that though there is a place I created where I post my art, where I sell my designs, gain access to commissions and work out my existential issues with papers and inks... There is still something being created and going out into the universe. There have been visitors here from all over the world. I have received emails, offers and inspiration from all seven continents. Yet, I am very busy being the "thing"... It has become terribly difficult to see past that... to stand up and brush myself off...
What I realize in writing this is that apparently it isn't terminal. The lack of friends or physical connections with people in this new place won't kill me. I have to stand and wipe myself off because there are still many ends in sight, many more attempts to be made to communicate. Perhaps I can learn of the more subtle responses through my work. Be safe out there and thank you for stopping in.